The resentment prayer is a short prayer that got its start in the 12-step program. It’s been adapted to AA literature and recited in meetings and prayers at institutions, churches, 12-step programs, and treatment centers across the country. Although I’ve never taken the resentment prayer offered by AA, it’s definitely something I would look forward to doing one day.
As Alcoholics Anonymous has evolved, resentment is one of the most difficult emotions for sober people to come to terms with. Resentment can be caused by a variety of things including: selfishness, harmful behavior, and more. This article will take a quick look at how resentment has been viewed through various stages of Alcoholics Anonymous and how resentful people are coping with such an emotional topic in recovery today.
Our resentments and grievances have the same effect on our spiritual growth that rust has on a car. They act as an invisible fog, blurring our vision and judgment, seeping into our engines to clog them up, and generally causing them to function poorly. The prayer that follows is a powerful tool for freeing us from these destructive forces of resentment and imperfection.
If you’ve been around the 12-Step program for any length of time, you’ve probably heard the term resentment. What is resentment, and how can its danger for recovery be recognized? It’s best to think of resentment as a form of anger, carried over from something that happened in the past. The big difference between feeling resentful and feeling angry is that something outside yourself caused your anger. The cause of your resentment had to do with someone else and their actions. The object of your anger can be anyone, including a business, a government agency, or a wide range of individuals.
Resentment prayer in aa
Most people initially baulk at the idea of wishing for good to come to people who have hurt them, or made them angry.
To overcome this hurdle we first need to understand “resentment”, and appreciate the damage that carrying resentments does to ourselves.
When you have found the desire to overcome your resentments you are ready to proceed…
Overcoming Resentments
The process of overcoming a resentment is a two-step process:
Firstly, we express compassion for the person who has angered us, by saying the fourth step prayer, as described on page 66 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous), then
Secondly, we pray for the person who has angered us, as described in the “Freedom from Bondage” story on page 552 of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Here are these two steps, which will replace resentment with peace of mind:
Step Four Prayer
When a person offended we said to ourselves,
“This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.“
If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.
Ask for their health, their prosperity, and their happiness you will be free.
Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway.
Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
Step 4 looks at our past behaviours. We find out things about ourselves that we have been inclined to beat ourselves up about. We have drunk to subdue the resultant emotional disturbance we feel.
To rid ourselves of our own guilt we need only forgive others whenever we feel resentful to them. This is an ancient and miraculous process.
A Shortcut to Serenity
In Emmet Fox’s analysis of The Lord’s Prayer he describes the method of forgiveness. In looking at the clause “Forgive Us Our Trespasses” he concludes that the act of praying for the others, as described above, needs only be done once for each person/resentment. Thereafter, if that resentment resurfaces, we can skip the whole resentment/release process, bless the offender briefly, and remind ourselves that we have already freed ourselves from the issue.
For complete serenity Fox says, “We must positively and definitely extend forgiveness to everyone to whom it is possible that we can owe forgiveness, namely, to anyone who we think can have injured us in any way.”
Resentment and Fear
Page 67 of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, states, “Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” Learning the process of overcoming resentment literally saves the lives of people who are afflicted with the disease of alcoholism. The process, proven to be a life-saver by these people, also enables others to live happier lives.
Page 67 of the book, Alcoholics Anonymous, states that fear “was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our lives was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune that we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball in rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.”
Choosing Love and Trust as an antidote to Resentment
Find an empty room and turn off the telephone. Put on some soothing music. Sit down in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Visualize someone who brings up a lot of anger or pain in you. Picture them in front of you. First, surround them with rays of healing white light and tell them that you wish them all good things — everything they could possibly want in their lifetime. Thank them for whatever they have given you. Keep doing this until you feel your negative emotions leaving.
To say this is not easy is to utter the biggest understatement in the world. “Wish her good things? Are you out of your mind? I want to see her suffer for what she’s done to me!”
The first time I did this exercise, I picked someone who had previously worked for me, and who had caused me a great deal of upset and pain. I had trusted him, and, to my mind, he had betrayed me. Note the victim mentality in full bloom! Obviously I was not taking responsibility for my – experience of life at that time. As I went through the exercise, I experienced an incredible series of emotions.
First, I was shocked at the anger and resentment I was holding. I found it almost impossible, even in my mind’s eye, to wish him anything good. My initial anger toward him was monumental. As I slowly released the anger, I got in touch with the pain I felt. This turned to anger at myself for allowing what had happened and for holding all my anger for so long. This turned into forgiveness of myself and of him. I was able to see both of us simply as people who had done the best we could at the time. I could then surround us both with healing white light.
This process took about an hour. When I began, I thought nothing much would happen. Wrong! I screamed, I cried, I hurt, I hated, I opened up, I forgave, I loved, I felt peace. I continued to do this exercise daily until I no longer felt anything negative about him and could freely wish him all good things.
I did this exercise for all the people in my life for whom I was holding any negativity, no matter how great or how slight. One of the people was my ex-husband. When I was able to reach the point in my visualization when I wished him only good, I phoned him and invited him to lunch. I simply said that there were some things I’d never told him and I wanted to do so now. He was pleased I called and we met for lunch.
These instructions are for the below prayer– Big Book, Freedom from Bondage, p. 552 ‘If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free…Even when you don’t really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.’
A 4th Step Resentment Prayer: “God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)
Here is a prayer for a person you feel resentful of: **Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment. (BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552)
